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OMG, NO: Uwe Boll to direct, Jessica Simpson to star in Metroid film?

June 8, 2010

If this rumor is indeed true, I’ll just start gouging my eyes out now.

But thankfully, the absurdity of the tip sent to JoBlo is so… well, absurd, we can take a deep, relieving breath and toss this one in the bull crap bin. Here’s what the tipster e-mailed to the movies blog:

“Actress Jessica Simpson is rumored to have secured the role of Space Bounty Hunter Samus Aran in a Hollywood version of a Nintendo game. In the game, Metroid, the hero controls Samus on her goal to rid the world of energy sucking beasts called Metroids. Think of it as a cross between Aliens and Dracula.”

“Simpson is excited to restart her movie career and is reportedly taking part in the selection of Samus’ love interest. Simpson’s publicists has also confirmed that she will be contributing to the plot. “Ms Simpson feels the plot is too complex and would like to move the plot closer to it’s core story of love and adventure.”

The movie, rumored to be directed by famed director Uwe Boll will feature a wise cracking ethnic METROID played by the fat kid from GOOD BURGER.”

So rest easy, my friends. Nintendo would never let a Metroid movie be made with a human playing a Metroid, let alone Kenan Thompson. They also wouldn’t let Metroid‘s plot’s core story be about “love” — it’s about shooting aliens in the face and exploring mysterious planets while listening to creepy, yet catchy music. And no director in his right mind, yes, even Uwe Boll, would let Jessica Simpson — Ms. Chicken of the Sea — have a say in casting or plot.

So, anonymous tipster: try harder next time.

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